Ewa, I’m sure that these last few days have been as hard for you as they have been for me. I can see that you are hurt, and I’m sorry we got to this stage, but I’m afraid directly talking to you will not make things better, I’m afraid of bringing more rage if dissapointed, and turning into someone that I don’t like. I’m afraid of hurting you more. I know you are much harder than me in this type of situations, so I’ve decided to write to you, just like in the old days.
You made me a better person. Whether intentionally or not, meeting you changed many things on how I see the world, and I’m really grateful for bringing this changes. But I miss the days when I could talk to you just about anything. I’ve told you things that I literally never told anyone, and I still feel that is the way forward. I understand that in the past we had less to loose, it was an impossible love and seeing it happening was filling us with joy. Now there are more attachments, plenty more to loose, specially for you, after moving here. A baggage together that weights considerably and makes us more conservative, more afraid of the future and perhaps brings more points of friction. But I’m not your enemy. No-one is. Not the painters, not the neighbours, not the landlord, not your employer or your ex-employers, not my daughters. Most people is just selfish and doesn’t give a fuck about the rest. I believe it’s as simple as that. But some people do care very much about you. I’m happy to be one of them, and I really want to keep it that way. But I need to be able to talk to you, to tell you openly what I like and I dislike, what worries me or what makes me afraid. But lately I’m getting scared. Too many topics that hurt and bring conflict. Too many things that I wish you could turn the page to. And right now I’m afraid to give in. I’ve done it countless of times in the past: we argue, we get mad at each other, and I end up trying to hug you and telling you that I did something wrong or said something that I shouldn’t have. And I was honest all those times. Probably I did some of the same mistakes this last time. We all do mistakes, but somehow you seem not to. I can’t recall the last time it worked the other way around. Arguing, getting mad at each other and you telling me that you did something wrong or said something you shouldn’t have. That is scaring me a lot Ewa.
It’s inevitable that if we talk to each other openly, sooner or later we say things each other dislikes, or that hurt. But it should be ok. We know we love each other and that should help to love better, and make each other happier. And that’s honestly what I want. To make you happier. To grow old with you. To keep making toasts until the end of the world and back. To hug you and make you feel that you can count on me.
I love you.
Manuel